Turning Toward: An Approach to Addiction

One of the wonderful aspects of navigating a wellness coaching business is finding my strengths along the way and attracting those that would resonate.  I am surprised to be surprised finding out who I am.  And I am even more surprised at the people who find their way to me for support and assistance.  There, more often than not, is a shared vibration which makes even the stickiest, difficult work a joy for us both.

Whereas most nurses are very directive, that is not my favorite approach (although it has been fun to play the bossy role at times).  The bodyworker-artist in me finds my own and other's difficulties intriguing.  In relation to a healing or dealing with a habit, I can do all the linear list making a client could ever want, but what I really love and find most effective, is collaborating.  In regards to wellness, I don't personally like being told what to do, and I have found most autonomous, self-directed adults feel likewise.  I like figuring things out with the light guidance of others.  I like to be empowered in the process, not directed by an other's force (well meaning or not).  So, creating relationship with one whom helps and making relationship with that which needs attention is an adventure worth exploring.

One of the approaches I've used successfully as of late with addiction (in particular smoking) has been focusing compassion on the parts of oneself that needs smoking to survive.  Forget about the external addiction.  Who in this person needs, craves, longs for cigarettes?  Don't quit smoking out of inner/outer pressure from others or out of shame.  Quit smoking because you don't need it anymore.  Heal the original wound.

The parts of a client that need smoking are vulnerable.  The last thing they need is contempt, ridicule, disappointment  and rejection coming at them.  They hardly can admit their existence out of fear of being seen as weak, pathetic and pitiful.  Working with people to divulge these delicate areas in themselves, works best if  humor is in play.  Also, creatively using trance state, movement and play in venues that a client appreciates and relaxes in, is useful.  Buoyancy and play help in the suspension of fear and negativity.

What I have been finding in many people who depend upon smoking, is they do so because it takes the edge off of their loneliness, frustrations, sense of isolation, misery, grief, feeling of abandonment, or friendlessness.  People who smoke (maybe who struggle with any addiction or hard habit) have had a trauma around one of these mentioned areas that they could not then and have not since been able to navigate.  They started smoking when their girlfriend left them back in high school, or the kids went off to college or lost a job, etc.  Or they started smoking to quell a sense of self-inadequacy, disappointment, disillusionment.  Over time, smoking became inextricably linked to relief from these emotional states that are hard to admit to oneself or others.  Emotional states that are unbearable (without a cigarette).  This is the human condition.  In practice, this is what surfaces, the pictures that unfold, the stories that get told.  The feelings linked to the smoking are usually more shaming for the client than the actual smoking.

So, how does this compassion approach work?  What I do is set an intention with the client to not change anything overtly, but to watch, observe and even honor the need by caring for the needy-one.  This allows change to unfold organically, naturally, non-violently.  We watch the ritual of smoking; the reliable time around the urges, how a cigarette is actually handled from beginning to end, the thoughts and feelings in the inhale, the exhale, the smells and other sense involvement. I encourage practicing a suspension of judgement or self criticism during the study; it frees up that which is curious and interested.  Clients record heavy/light usage times, when is the best cigarette of the day, when is the time it is most negligible.  They record the sense of who in them requires a drag or two (the bored, defiant teenager, the lonely child?).   We also record the external and internal stressors, the hiding of it from certain places and people, when is it enjoyable and when is it repugnant.  In this process, they (and I) begin to become more familiar with what the habit of smoking is to this unique organism, what it means to all/most of themselves, the joy and sorrow around it, connected to it and the pleasure/displeasure present. And we are easy (even playful) about it.  Hell, brimstone and cancer threats are not required.

What happens in this approach is the person inside who has this habit is less shrouded in shame, becomes more self-accepted.  A curiosity is cultivated. It doesn't become about "breaking" the habit, it's more about the interesting self who participates in the habit and all the accompanying circumstances and history that support it.  It becomes an awakening of sorts that is freed from the previous inevitable guilt.  When clients start to emerge out of their shame and guilt over the addiction, I've witnessed a soaring sense of creativity and intuition from them, which then becomes like a beacon toward a movement of change.  Seemingly all of a sudden, they decide their living situation needs tweaking to abate their loneliness.  Or they acquire a pet, join a church, or take up an art class.  Experiencing this vivid creativity, they begin to feel what it is like to be more themselves.  This phenomenon by itself is enormously comforting.  And then, quite anticlimactically one day (in their own time) it is decided, "You know, I don't think I want to have smoking in my life anymore.  I don't need it." Like giving up old clothes that don't feel right anymore. And every time this happens for a client, there is a new Wow for me.  It's incredible how natural and non violent the action is.  The stopping wasn't based on withholding, denying, shame or judgement. It's based on a healing seated in a global sense of self love.

Post smoking cravings and urges are there, but taken in perspective, because they've been studied with compassion.  One senses one's dimension; no longer held in these mean, contemptuous pigeonholes of "weak", "addict", "hopeless, never to change",  "disgusting", etc.  The secret corners have been exposed to benevolence.  Someone loving, kind and occasionally funny has partnered up with them--- themSelf.  They truly are no longer alone or friendless or isolated.  They've evolved caring witnesses within in the process of courageously facing their history, undisclosed feelings and their truth.

This approach is really a larger commitment to know oneself, and yet also does happen to be effective in habit cessation.  People who appreciate this inside-out work,  are the types of clients I am interested in and whom seem to be attracted to my wellness work.  I can and have done the directed, linear approach. But, it is not that interesting to me.  It requires but a perfunctory formation of a relationship to self, other or the issue. If it is at all successful, it's almost always partially so.   Compassion work is a commitment but it lasts a lifetime; once you get a taste, a gist of it, it's pretty easy to access and keep as a consistent constant in one's life.  It actually becomes almost impossible not to actively know it.  It is Love in action, something one begins to find, they can't live without.

Leaning On

There are times when a leaning on is necessary.  No longer able to be a free standing part (at least temporarily), a wall, another becomes mandatory to rest upon.  It's a relief, if not an unfamiliar self-reckoning.  We take comfort in something/ someone taking the weight.  The image to the left here is a wonderful example of a spiraling reliance.  Very separate (yet related), distinct components bearing the weight of the whole. Everything is in balance, everything dependent on everything else to create a whole. Without the cooperative parts, the balance, the miracle of its wholeness would be lost.

And so it is now, as many of us soften into the darkness of the short days, relinquishing the more sentinel vertical we prop ourselves up at other times of the year. We lean on a fire at the hearth, music of the season, cultural ritual, even the warmth from a winter coat.  This time of year calls us back, asks us to return to that which is more still.  Interestingly, the hoopla and frenetic energy seems to go arm in arm with the quiet beckoning.  Contrasts.  Paradoxes.

" All truths wait in all things."-- Walt Whitman

In our confusion and tension over these paradoxes and the grief of losses, current and past, the stillness appears to be the thing we lean on.  Mercy. The words of others appear as solace.  That which is burdened, wounded, in sorrow rests.  Poetry surfaces.  Art becomes a salve to the spirit.  Wisdom and courage are found in unlikely forums:  a child's observation, a store clerk's calm and benevolent smile, the poignant wit of an elder.  Breath re-enters, becomes more spacious having lost some tension.  Fear and intrepidation take a break.

"Morally, spiritually, we are fettered.  What have we achieved in mowing down mountain ranges, harnessing the energy of mighty rivers, or moving whole populations about like chess pieces, if we ourselves remain the same restless, miserable, frustrated creatures we were before?  To call such activity progress is utter delusion.  We may succeed in altering the face of the earth until it is unrecognizable even to the Creator, but if we are unaffected wherein lies the meaning?  Meaningful acts require no stir.  When things are going to rack and ruin the most purposeful act may be to sit still."-- Arthur Miller

Leaning On.  A respite.  Meaningful acts require no stir.

A Sustainable Healing

We live in a world where there are all sorts of pockets of healing happening, independent of each other, seemingly unrelated.  The ecology sustainability movement has proven, unless there is a deep, systemic change in a culture's attitude toward ecology, all the "band-aid therapy" in one green area will not truly bring about a fundamental change. An example of this would be the conscientious organic farmer who does everything "right", but whose crops year after year are subject to the Monsanto GMO seed from his neighbor's field flying into his cultivated fields to sow and multiply themselves.  It's a beautiful thing the way nature does this, unless it's Monsanto's nature.

So it is similar in other types of healing.  A man might heroically struggle his entire life to heal from domestic violence or sexual abuse sustained as a child and is still left with subtle dysfunctions, further layers of the trauma. It never ends (so it seems). Part of the healing that is very related to any individual's healing and which is so difficult, is the healing of the culture.  If the culture isn't healed, the systemic dysfunction suffered by those in the culture is insidiously maintained (see the Iroquois Nation story in Forgiveness) .  There are hundreds of examples of this.  The recent disclosure of the sexual abuse of at-risk football players at Penn State over a ten year period, covered up and complicitly supported by layers of the administration (the Catholic Church priest abuse tragedies are an exponentially larger parallel). The subtle and insidious misogyny present in practically all cultures exhibited in myriads of ways including genital mutilation, the establishing a narrow standard of beauty in a culture for females to esteem toward, unequal pay scales based on gender, the objectification of women and girls through sex trafficking, sexual abuse, pornography and even fashion at large and the attempt at dictating women's health practices through law.

One can't just dispense of the perpetrator(s) in any of these instances.  The culture at large is the perpetrator, in subtle and insidious ways. That means you. That means me.  In the latter case of the sexual objectification of women, all females on the planet in some way suffer this disturbance of prejudice.  Even when it is oblique and not direct, it nonetheless impacts the female gender across the board, because it is all energetic transference. Similarly, a man is not exempt from his gender counterpart's suffering, as all females are his mother, sister, wife or daughter, it impacts him as well. We need a sustainable healing.

It's overwhelming to begin to consider my part in these large scale dis-eases. One of the things that actually gives me hope is this current sustained economic downturn; for once the knee-jerk reaction by the culture to band-aid a financial crisis so we get out of the immediate discomfort is not possible (prior bailout-cards having been used).  So we are sustaining the pain. And before long when the money still isn't flowing and people are forced to adapt and re-adapt, they begin to find another way of living, one that is more sustainable for themselves and the culture at large.  The greed and avarice in the culture that promote and manipulate fiscal ethical boundaries starts to starve, not being able to prosper or thrive in the economic desert conditions. People out of work have more time on their hands and less money. They start being creative, they start thinking outside the box, they have down time, rethink their priorities; this slows and magnifies their impressions and because of this, they have more evolved responses.  Their consumer habits are curtailed and tend to be less superficial.  They painfully at first begin to do what they previously have avoided at all costs: change their habits, and perhaps their beliefs.  This creates a ripple effect within the culture. This might not be very conscious, nor intended.  But sometimes a healing starts externally and moves inward.

When we start to consider our relatedness to the historical and deeply painful life altering events such as objectification of women and complicit coverups in all the abuses mentioned above, what happens? Where does our awareness go?  Do we leap into denial? Start to justify, separate, distance from these seemingly far away happenings? Become overwhelmed? Break down the causes and relationships into neat reasoning, categories and boxes in an effort to understand? Or possibly, we become righteous, fingerpoint or hide in our familiar and comfortable anger and disassociation.  How can we possibly contemplate our own relatedness to these atrocities?

All healing is gradual and in increments.  All healing is centered in awareness. To begin to hold the notion that I am related to everything is to strengthen an attention that is greater than myself. To hold this, or stand in front of it, even when most of me is rearing or can't begin to understand the relationship is Something.  Cultivating a tolerance for discomfort in oneself appears mandatory.  Not knowing without dismissing or disappearing is crucial.  Holding the thread of interest while suspending reaction is how we make our way toward the truth.  Soon we begin to notice the choices we make that in a small way, make us complicit.  Perhaps the programming we watch, listen to or have a peaked interest in.  Maybe we begin to see our culpability in the small or large prejudices that compound further that which is present in the larger culture. The smallness of these tendencies begin to lose their innocence.  Conscience strikes.  A shift is possible.

All healing is gradual and in increments.  All healing is centered in awareness.  A sustainable healing is possible.

Addiction

Most of us come into this world with addiction propensities.  Some addictions are more obvious than others (drug/alcohol, food, anger, sugar, smoking, enabling, gambling, work) and others are easier to hide and turn away from (closet substance abuse, drama, sex, chronic financial crisis, pornography, electronics/technology).  It is always destructive, usually on many levels. Addiction is something one accommodates frequently through a day, whether it be partaking, thinking/feeling about it or hiding it.  We play games with our addictions, pushing the pretend-envelope and the edge where it is likely to be revealed to oneself more fully or to others.  All of this takes up a fair amount of time but most of us are well practiced at making it look like it doesn’t.

One of the more difficult aspects of addiction is acknowledgement of the presence of it when the use of a substance or an enabling pattern is altered.  Unless the spirituality aspect of the disease is addressed, addictive behavior takes up residence in one’s attitude, emotional responses or some other behavior that is less noticeable, but still considerably insidious.  Whereas the street derelict wears his addictions on his sleeve, it is much harder to acknowledge the problem for the addict who is able to outwardly function (work).

May blessings abound on the Alcohol Anonymous (AA) programs. Besides helping hundreds of thousands of people for over 50 years with their addiction struggles, they have identified most rightly that an addiction is not a solo problem but part of a larger group dynamic and also that it is a spiritual disease.

People turn to substances or deleterious repetitive behaviors to relieve their unbearable sense of lack of spirit, to fill the hole hollowed out by grief, pain and self-hatred.  In addition, it can be a karmic or generational cultural transference (ie: Celtic, Nordic and Russian predilection for alcoholism), effecting our DNA and our children’s DNA.  Addiction is insidious and in the worse cases, wreaks absolute havoc with an assured ripple effect.  Modern culture at large encourages addiction, especially patterns that have to do with consumerism.  One’s well being is undeniably in one’s own hands and the ability to be aware and resist that which doesn’t bode well for one’s welfare is necessary.

As a nurse, to take care of an addict strikes dread in my heart like no other disease.  Those addicted are often manipulative, belligerent, their denial deeply entrenched and therefore, practically impossible to make relationship with or to provide meaningful help.  When working with this type of patient, one’s boundaries have to be almost rigidly in place and one has to be totally on one’s game.  And it is extremely wearing; their unrelenting dysfunction tugs at one's own sense of health and equilibrium. Most professional efforts at impacting a positive outcome, being effective and providing any type of healing is either negligible or a crap shoot.  I couldn’t begin to count the hours I, as one of dozens of other hospital staff persons on a detox team, have dealt with an addict, helping them detox just to discharge them with the certainty they’d be back within a month to repeat the entire hellish process again.  Proof that getting clean with all its difficulties is a piece of cake compared to staying clean.

How can we heal from our addictions?  The AA programs spell out the steps with absolute clarity.  It begins with bringing awareness and admitting that I am not in control in relationship to the substance or behavior.  AA’s precepts, in the broadest of terms, seek to help people build a foundation to finding a sense of their spirit(uality), introducing ways to experience honesty, acceptance, forgiveness, serenity and courage;  qualities that are often denied and sorely missing in an addicted person’s inner resource pool.

Addiction healing, like most healing, is a life long process, because addiction is a chronic disease.  Living a life (as opposed to avoiding it) is a preparation for the next step and then the step beyond.  What we are ready for now is something we were not ready for two years ago.  Addiction healing is incremental, in its own time and is absolutely tenuous and fragile. And if the end of a life comes sooner than a “complete” healing is possible (whatever that is), grace sometimes makes it apparent that the struggle and the working of the “pieces” was what mattered.  Hopefully.

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Alcoholics Anonymous :   

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups 

 

Forgiveness

We are little micro-cosmos of both the gross human condition and the gross human potential.  All the greed and avarice we see, read about, culturally suffer--- it is all part of the daily individual human experience playing out on a larger scale.  One can rail at this injustice or that transgression and feel powerless to impact these gargantuan and harmful world dysfunctions, but we actually can impact these wrongs directly (because we are related to it).  By dealing with our own smallnesses, our prejudices, our individual rancor and judgements, by rectifying, healing and forgiving those who trespass against us (and forgive ourselves for whom we injure) we actually impact the world’s condition. These small triumphs have a vibration that ripple out into the cosmos impacting the larger scheme of things.

What does it mean to “deal” with these unpleasant events, feelings, experiences? 

What is key is three fold:  the recognition and acknowledgement in the moment of the discomfort, pain or upset one is experiencing (remember, Psych 101?), in the body, feelings and energy field at large; done without minimization or justification, but acknowledgement of its palpable vibration.  The more courageous one is bringing awareness to these uncomfortable-unbearable sensations, the better chance one has in living the prism we are.  (Hence, the usefulness of a daily dose of both fun and pain… primes us to our fuller dimensions, for better, for worse.)  Permitting and honoring one’s vulnerability to exist in the moment of transgression (against most instinctual impulses) creates the dimension we are looking for in ourselves and the reality that is. This is a type of suffering one must be willing to undertake.

Second, to recognize the reactivity that is part of, and in relationship to the other with whom we are polarized.  Is there a sense of righteousness holding fast to the pain or hurt, possibly exaggerating it or allowing paranoia to slip in?  A reliable falseness and fear usually  lurks in the reaction and in the moment; this is worth paying some attention.  Attention to this momentary falseness or prejudice often brings the more mature self to the forefront, the one who has an inkling of the way of forgiveness.

And third, to also recognize what is good, the intention that may have gone amok, but initially was well meaning.  The weakness that is a blind spot that causes as much pain to the offender as to the one it impacts. This requires a bigness, a maturity, an understanding, a willingness to give some credence to that sense of falseness that harshly colors the reaction.  We are not static two dimensional figures, but a multi-faceted prism that can readily shift (if we don’t hunker down into the righteousness). 

When these three aspects are in play, a softening is possible and receptivity has an opportunity to move in.  Recognition replaces denial and defense.  Acknowledgement of a positive effort amidst the disaster tempers the discomfort of the carelessness and fragility of the human condition in the moment and replaces blame and offense.  We begin to sense a larger humanity in the other and in ourselves. Perhaps we begin to glimpse ourselves in them.  We are not so separate.  We are not separate at all. A dual polarization going nowhere becomes a delicately nuanced dance of vulnerability and forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not something we do for someone else, it is something we do for ourselves. Often it is not realized that hurtful words, actions and reactions are more toxic to those whom deliver them, then the receiver it is meant for. If we knew this, experienced this, would we be so inclined to retaliate?  Would we be more interested in resisting that impulse? 

As in most things, we have assumptions and expectations as to what forgiveness looks and sounds like. Forgiveness is an unexpected process that often has little to do with apologetic words and everything to do with a found sincerity. Forgiveness is a full mind/body/spirit experience, a journey one takes, an often surprising and unknown path.  And yes, though words are the least of it, often apologetic words from authenticity can be a salve to the healing.

As it relates to above, following I mention the legend of the Iroquois Nation and how it came into being from the divided, feuding groups of alienated clans to a united confederacy.  It is a story of forgiveness through the power of grief work and condolence.  

In brief, several tribes from the north east and Canada, were constantly warring and ravaging each others people and property. There was little safety and a lot of terror.  The chiefs of the tribes got together and squabbled about what could be done, how could they have peace among themselves when there was so much suspicion, harm and wariness.  They argued among themselves until the oldest chief, who had remained silent, called the group to attention and said, "Until each tribe has grieved what has been done to them and what they have done to others there will never be peace.  If we are to unite and stand strong, this is the first step."  Each tribe went back to their people and imparted this and began the healing process among their own people for a period of time, remembering the harms done to them, the injury they themselves inflicted.  After this time, the chiefs reconvened and the seven nation Iroquois Confederacy was established.  This healing ritual of grief and condolence has been in existence for over 600 years in the Iroquois Nation and continues today.

  

"Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense. " 

                                                                                                                                           -- Robert Frost

Grief as Medicine

Keri Cheran, "It hurts to talk About Our dead and gone".  Purepecha of Michoacan 

Municipality Cheran

I'm compelled to write about grief again as it is such an apparent and present state in the culture at large.  As I've said in previous posts, not only is it misunderstood, there is little support for it.

Grief is assumed when there is a death.  The cultural understanding is one will be very sad for a few days to a few weeks, a little less sad for a few months and "back to one's self" within a year at the latest.  These cultural guidelines are at best random and at worst, ridiculous.
Grief transpires not only at the experience of death, but in the process of dying (ones own dying process or witnessing it in another), in large changes such as separation/divorce, big moves and major transitions such as teen to adult, leaving college, transitioning to middle age or old age, living with made choices or non-choices.  Grief happens after injury or surgery or major illness, at the loss of a job (even a bad one) or a career.  And grief is re-awakened at every loss' anniversary or holiday.  As they say, every loss is a reminder of all the previous losses before it.  Grief is everywhere.  But in this culture, even though grief is seemingly at one door or another, many people are literally at a loss as to how to recognize it, how to work with it, how to know it and how to move through it.  It is foreign, because the expectation of what it is and what it looks like is not recognized.

Grief is unrecognized mostly because it is so varied and unpredictable.  It looks/feels like deep lethargy, paralyzation or numbness. It can also be an excruciating aliveness to the subtle; the way light falls on a tree, the memory of an odor, the nuanced subtlety of sand in one's toes.  Energetically, grief can cause the body tremendous fatigue and exhaustion.  Once this is seen and noted, one expects this for a few days.  But often, it presents in an incredibly labile way.  One might have a strong sense of themselves, their usual energy pattern in the morning and total exhaustion covers them by mid day.  And the next day the energy patterns might be reversed-- or not; it's often unknowable.  It requires a type of acceptance, a willingness to roll with it and an abdication of control; very difficult skills for most people, especially if one is responsible for a deceased's property.  Sometimes in the grief process, "the black hole" days are endless and too frequent to be tolerated (probably why most people will do almost anything not to go there.).  Other times, grief sweeps over you lightly for a moment and keeps moving on. There is no recipe for grieving.  There is no guarantee that if you do the work, it won't surface again.

Serge Prengel describes it well in relation to Kubler-Ross' seven stages of grief in the death and dying experience, The 5 - or 7 - stages of grief & loss: The grief cycle & the grieving ..., as a roller coaster of chaotic feelings.  This characteristic differentiates grief from depression.  Grief is extremely energetic, whereas depression's characteristic energy pattern is -- well, depressed. Unexpressed or unprocessed grief will turn to depression like unprocessed anger and fear will turn to depression.  Faith and an honoring of the Self is often the only motivator in opening the grief door.


So then, how do we process grief? As mentioned above, it is rolling with it; being with what is, as it is, even in the sometimes unusual expression of it or the inconvenient timing. This is inevitably, at least part of the time, an excruciating and uncomfortable business; like being in an undertow for a prolonged period of time. Having empathic others for backboards to verbalize your experience is helpful.  Following the body and voice's cues, no matter how strange, bizarre and incomprehensible may be another way of rolling with it, if you can give yourself the time and space.  

healing in the grief nest

There are several essential oils (eo) very useful in grief.  The classic eo for grief is Helicrysum. Angelica and Petigrain are also deeply restorative.  Used in bath salts, lotions/oils or in diffusers at night, could be very helpful in taking the edge off, supporting the organism in its process.  Having bodywork done by a trusted other during this time would be nourishing.  Therapeutic Touch, Reiki, Acupuncture, massage, reflexology are all ways to return, to experience a semblance of yourself again, releasing static tensions.  Maintaining a breath-centered practice like Qigong or Yoga, swimming or walking is a way of clearing staid energy and getting one's flow back.  Movement is a big stress reducer, and if possible, would be good to have in play regularly.  And of course there is always blessed sleep. 

Bach Flower remedies are a subtle way to support the taxed organism. Rescue Remedy, the crisis and emergency remedy, is a combination of flower essences equivalent to an emotional first-aid kit, containing five single remedies: Rock Rose, Clematis, Impatient, Star of Bethlehem and Cherry Plum. Star of Bethlehem is the quintessential Flower essence for shock, loss and grief;

Grief is a constantly shifting storm front to weather. It's a soul-growing process.  Somehow, we are better for knowing it, but often don't know this until a long while after.

Grief is itself a medicine.  ~William Cowper

suggested reading:

Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart

(anything by Steven Levine is good on this subject)

On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler\

Have Mercy

Having mercy is an opportunity each of us faces every day.  Whether it is the choice we make in how we handle an aggressive telemarketer on the phone, a grumpy argumentative old guy in the check out line, or an aging appliance beginning to falter. How I am is who I am.  Having mercy in a moment is as much about the care and consideration I have for myself as it is for another.


The following story is an example of the possibility of conventional medicine joining with alternative/complimentary medicine with the idea of achieving best outcomes for patient and practitioner.  

I admit a 62 year old woman, "Laura," newly diagnosed with progressive metastasized lung cancer. She claims, "I just can't get comfortable.  I want to jump out of my skin." Her vital signs are within normal limits, her oxygenation is fine, her breathing pattern is regular and even. She appears very anxious since her family left an hour ago.  I remember to use presence when I see/feel this anxiety.  I find my own sense of stillness in my legs, in my chest.  I become aware of my breathing and sense of tension in my body. I notice something has slowed down in myself. I look at her and I feel time. The time between us right now, the time we are sharing. I've got her. She's got me. Right now, we've got each other, unrushed. 

Now I can let my skills go to work.  


My conventional nursing judgment is that she requires an anxiety medication and possibly a sleeping aid (neither are currently prescribed).  She also will need emotional support and integrative medicine (IM) interventions.  Laura and I discuss her needs right now, how's she feeling and what she thinks would help her.  I make both conventional and complementary medicine suggestions. She says emphatically she wants it all.  I tell her I have to get an order from the doctor for the medications and the process of ordering and obtaining the meds might take 20-30 minutes.  I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone without some support for the anticipated 20 minutes I do these tasks.  I spend three minutes with her reviewing a simple breathing method using a relaxing guided imagery technique to help put her more at ease while she is waiting.  She's taken to it well. I leave to make the arrangements for the meds and prepare an essential oil aromatherapy "cotton ball" for anxiety and sleep.  Still waiting for the meds, I reassess Laura and find her more quiet and relaxed (her eyes are closed).  The cotton ball is to her liking, so I pin it to her hospital gown.  I coach her through deep breathing.  I speak to her in measured, low melodic vocal tones and we pick up her previous desired visualization piece and move through the five senses again, working with the breath.  


Laura is very quiet; I lower the head of the bed to 45 degrees, lower the lights and leave to retrieve the meds,returning five minutes later.  She is dozing, her diaphragmatic breathing deep and regular. I hold the meds for the time being, and do a short therapeutic touch session on her, smoothing out her energy field, allowing for a deeper rest. 

Grief and the Heart's Desire

"Wish" locks on Mt Huashan
In China, when you want something seemingly unattainable, you climb
the nearest mountain with a red tie and a padlock.  Upon arriving,
you pray to the deities for your desire, and lock the tie and padlock on a thick
chain link securing your wish for all time.

I am shadowing some holistic nurses in a hospital and we find ourselves in the ICU doing rounds.  We come upon "Louise" a 78 year old woman who had a heart attack in the morning and looks like she is about to have another one.  She 

is sitting straight up in bed, grey and diaphoretic.  She is on a cardiac monitor and her blood pressure and heart rate are climbing.  She looks in distress, having a hard time breathing.  Two ICU nurses run to get the crash cart and some Ativan to calm her down.  There we are, three holistic nurses staring at this woman about to go down.  I step forward up to the side of the bed and say, "Louise. Who do you love more than anyone in the world?"  She doesn't hesitate and says, "My seven year old granddaughter, Eva."  I say, "Ok. Eva is going to help us get through this.  She's going to help us cool your heart down.  I want you to close your eyes and breathe in through your nose to the count of four and breathe out to the count of six."  I breathe and count with her, and she begins to look less distressed, the blood pressure on the monitor begins to drop to a high normal (the parasympathetic nervous system having kicked in producing the relaxation response). I say, "Louise, with your eyes closed bring Eva's face up close to yours.  See how the light falls on her hair, the twinkle in her eye. How does her breath smell as she comes in for a kiss on your cheek?  How does her laugh sound when she says your name?  Let Eva breathe with us now, a nice cool breath, four counts in, six counts out.  Now as we are breathing, allow her image to slowly drop down around your mid chest, where your heart is and we're just going to breathe there for a bit, you, me and Eva and we are going to cool the heart down." Louise almost appears to be in a trance state.  All this transpires within three minutes. The two ICU nurses have rushed back with their meds and crash cart and stop short when they see her apparently meditating and the monitor reading normal vital signs.  When Louise opens her eyes, we talk about this event.  I ask her what happened.  She told me the story of losing both her husband and son 6 months apart a year ago in the ICU. She's afraid it will happen to her too.  When she starts to escalate again, I tell her she can repeat having Eva come to her any time.  I watch her gracefully move through it.  

  

Grief Work

2000 year old elder

Grief work is a very necessary activity as we navigate our life's continuum.  There is a lot to grieve about.  It can be, however, uncomfortable and often frightening territory to traverse for many, conditioned as we are to be "up", "fine" and able to manage anything with chronically sunny dispositions. In western culture, it's not a readily accepted undertaking, or is often mislabeled as depression; hence there isn't a lot of support for it.  So when we make an inquiry into that dark place, it can be lonely, foreign and well.... dark.

After a series of significant losses, I found myself in a grocery store following a carriage with a baby in it. I experienced the baby seeing me.  Seeing me in my loss.  I hadn't felt seen in this way by anyone up to that point, being an invisible grief-stricken pedestrian to be avoided at all costs. When the baby saw me, I felt this surge of joy in my solar plexus that stopped abruptly at the top of my diaphragm, as it ascended up, as if there was a lid on the rest of me.  It couldn't move up to my heart, the space occupied by the necessary grief.  I realized, this grief was living in me and it had its own time and this surge of joy would have to wait a bit to complete itself.  Surprisingly, this didn't add to my sadness, but actually gave me hope.

I've had the privilege to do tremendously varied grief work with myself and others.  It is dense and rich material that affirms our humanity, if the courage can be found to meet it.  Following is an essay on creatively using energy / movement work to address grief.  Holistic Grief Work