Grief as Medicine

Keri Cheran, "It hurts to talk About Our dead and gone".  Purepecha of Michoacan 

Municipality Cheran

I'm compelled to write about grief again as it is such an apparent and present state in the culture at large.  As I've said in previous posts, not only is it misunderstood, there is little support for it.

Grief is assumed when there is a death.  The cultural understanding is one will be very sad for a few days to a few weeks, a little less sad for a few months and "back to one's self" within a year at the latest.  These cultural guidelines are at best random and at worst, ridiculous.
Grief transpires not only at the experience of death, but in the process of dying (ones own dying process or witnessing it in another), in large changes such as separation/divorce, big moves and major transitions such as teen to adult, leaving college, transitioning to middle age or old age, living with made choices or non-choices.  Grief happens after injury or surgery or major illness, at the loss of a job (even a bad one) or a career.  And grief is re-awakened at every loss' anniversary or holiday.  As they say, every loss is a reminder of all the previous losses before it.  Grief is everywhere.  But in this culture, even though grief is seemingly at one door or another, many people are literally at a loss as to how to recognize it, how to work with it, how to know it and how to move through it.  It is foreign, because the expectation of what it is and what it looks like is not recognized.

Grief is unrecognized mostly because it is so varied and unpredictable.  It looks/feels like deep lethargy, paralyzation or numbness. It can also be an excruciating aliveness to the subtle; the way light falls on a tree, the memory of an odor, the nuanced subtlety of sand in one's toes.  Energetically, grief can cause the body tremendous fatigue and exhaustion.  Once this is seen and noted, one expects this for a few days.  But often, it presents in an incredibly labile way.  One might have a strong sense of themselves, their usual energy pattern in the morning and total exhaustion covers them by mid day.  And the next day the energy patterns might be reversed-- or not; it's often unknowable.  It requires a type of acceptance, a willingness to roll with it and an abdication of control; very difficult skills for most people, especially if one is responsible for a deceased's property.  Sometimes in the grief process, "the black hole" days are endless and too frequent to be tolerated (probably why most people will do almost anything not to go there.).  Other times, grief sweeps over you lightly for a moment and keeps moving on. There is no recipe for grieving.  There is no guarantee that if you do the work, it won't surface again.

Serge Prengel describes it well in relation to Kubler-Ross' seven stages of grief in the death and dying experience, The 5 - or 7 - stages of grief & loss: The grief cycle & the grieving ..., as a roller coaster of chaotic feelings.  This characteristic differentiates grief from depression.  Grief is extremely energetic, whereas depression's characteristic energy pattern is -- well, depressed. Unexpressed or unprocessed grief will turn to depression like unprocessed anger and fear will turn to depression.  Faith and an honoring of the Self is often the only motivator in opening the grief door.


So then, how do we process grief? As mentioned above, it is rolling with it; being with what is, as it is, even in the sometimes unusual expression of it or the inconvenient timing. This is inevitably, at least part of the time, an excruciating and uncomfortable business; like being in an undertow for a prolonged period of time. Having empathic others for backboards to verbalize your experience is helpful.  Following the body and voice's cues, no matter how strange, bizarre and incomprehensible may be another way of rolling with it, if you can give yourself the time and space.  

healing in the grief nest

There are several essential oils (eo) very useful in grief.  The classic eo for grief is Helicrysum. Angelica and Petigrain are also deeply restorative.  Used in bath salts, lotions/oils or in diffusers at night, could be very helpful in taking the edge off, supporting the organism in its process.  Having bodywork done by a trusted other during this time would be nourishing.  Therapeutic Touch, Reiki, Acupuncture, massage, reflexology are all ways to return, to experience a semblance of yourself again, releasing static tensions.  Maintaining a breath-centered practice like Qigong or Yoga, swimming or walking is a way of clearing staid energy and getting one's flow back.  Movement is a big stress reducer, and if possible, would be good to have in play regularly.  And of course there is always blessed sleep. 

Bach Flower remedies are a subtle way to support the taxed organism. Rescue Remedy, the crisis and emergency remedy, is a combination of flower essences equivalent to an emotional first-aid kit, containing five single remedies: Rock Rose, Clematis, Impatient, Star of Bethlehem and Cherry Plum. Star of Bethlehem is the quintessential Flower essence for shock, loss and grief;

Grief is a constantly shifting storm front to weather. It's a soul-growing process.  Somehow, we are better for knowing it, but often don't know this until a long while after.

Grief is itself a medicine.  ~William Cowper

suggested reading:

Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart

(anything by Steven Levine is good on this subject)

On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler\