Win or lose, fail or succeed is almost always in the
forefront of our being as a weighty consideration to what matters. But strangely, it’s doubtful to me that it
matters the outcome (even though we may be conditioned to think
otherwise). What matters, is the effort
we made, the striving and struggle toward that which is calling us.
Effort is energy. It
reads. It reads to oneself and
others. It creates an influence to the
outside and the inside. The quality of
effort matters. Hard, forceful,
determined, tense effort can be a ‘manhandling’ of one’s energy field (and
others). One can push a boulder up a mountain
after all, and get the job done with enormous external effort. Culturally, we understand effort by use of
force.
In Chinese thought, all things contain yin and yang. The dark/light, hard/soft,
passive/active. So it is in
effort. Attaining or meeting something
is sometimes a mere thought, feeling or sensation. Many bodywork principles are based on
this. (ie: Alexander Technique: if I think upward and out the influence is
felt in the rest of me and it happens.) We are conditioned that effort is rolling that boulder up the
mountain. But effort also can be soft,
sublime and a sensitized awareness that is cultivated and maintained.
Effort. When I
chronically turn away from what is distressing and difficult, when I drop into
my denial of what IS, I turn away from what matters. I lose my internal warrior. If I somehow can allow that courageous effort
of facing what Is, not turn away, that becomes a moment of triumph. Even if I turn away again (which almost
always is inevitable). Even if
“nothing comes of it”…. this time.
What matters? What
matters is I try even if it is assured I will fail. I am conditioned it is bad to fail. Facing
that conditioning is an effort. The
attempt to know myself in the discomfort of the unknown, with little to no internal recourse, and a certainty I will most likely fail, is strengthening the
power of effort.
Failing this time, but
maybe not the 100th time. The
value becomes the Now and is no longer the outcome. It is a Quixotic attitude.
When I’ve contemplated over decades the karma of things,
despair has often visited, knowing we are almost certain to repeat the mistakes
and failures, possibly into the next life (if that should be so). The probability is slim we master that
(seemingly) karmic challenge. But now,
my attitude is not so fixed on mastering the weakness or frailty. What matters is I worked with it consistently;
I met it over and over again and made efforts to know it. That effort, it builds sustenance inside and
strength outside. It is an influence on
all of the world and also me and possibly my karma.
Transformation and miracles are possible due to this. This is the Water element in Chinese medicine. The wearing away of the stone by a drop of
water that falls, repeated a zillion times.
Light, methodical, patient, and repetitive. Water conquers all, eventually.
I've seen this in training new nurses in regards to having them learn to open their energy field, creating a more spacious sense of awareness and sensitizing themselves to what is in the moment. They do this and then often become prey to the hostile or negative because although they've practiced grounding and centering before, they've not practiced both at the same time. They lose one or the other in trying to strengthen one or the other. And so it is with us. We are so in the habit of forming belief, attaching to something, anything to identify ourselves, we forget our feet on the floor, the sense of breath moving through our bodies. In particular in the "knowing" professions like medicine, it is supremely uncomfortable to entertain the unknown; we're indoctrinated to know (or pretend we know) lest there be any errors. Most ER, critical care nurses hate this relaxation, sensitizing I do with them. They feel they can't "be on their game" if they're all relaxed. And they are (partially) right, they can't if they don't value the (sometimes appearing opposite) sense of being grounded, which isn't in their automatic reactions (valuable in their own right) but present in the discriminating (more present) self who is practicing letting go of tensions while centering energies in the body. They often, without knowing it while in the ER capacity, have attached to the high they get from the hormones released from the sympathetic nervous system (adrenalin primarily) and the subsequent sense of being almost omnipotent. It can be hard to give that up and hard not to believe the cascade of self-importance felt and one's elevated capacity.
Lack and Unknown are not of the ego's world (unless the ego has been trained to live there). Most of us need to get trained to co-exist with them, as our human upbringing in culture hasn't provided that. Someone in us needs to "believe", to value this other reality. Otherwise, all our beliefs are entrenched in something ego feeds off of, creating attitudes, habits, addictions most of me will gladly tolerate, narrowing my world exponentially. I have to want a different reality
