Stress, Self-Responsibility and Health

Caretaker/caregivers are usually an innate, dyed-in-the-wool breed.  They caretake in one way or another their entire lives.  Because they tend to be hyper-responsible to others, the phrase "take responsibility" sometimes has negative connotations for them (they think they're doing it ALL the time). So, sometimes the usual stress management precepts having to do with taking time for yourself, or taking care of yourself sends a shrill and automatic irritation through them.  Having to take responsibility for yet another person (albeit the most important one in their life--themselves) by being endlessly vigilant about diet, exercise, sleep makes them a bit crazy. They usually KNOW all that stuff, tell them something new. Or better yet (they secretly wish), take away the accumulated burden they bear.

When we wind up in a strung-out, desperate, severely stressed state due to having taken on too much on behalf of others it's often because we have avoided taking responsibility for our own deep needs and also the unwillingness to give up the seductive hero(ine) role.  The answer is not to take better care of yourself by getting more rest, more time away and more fun (although these all help, they usually are not possible when one is over one's head).  The answer is to STOP.

Stop having expectations of others and yourself (disappointment is guaranteed). Stop projecting your dis-ease on everyone and everything (it's unbecoming in an adult).  Stop trying to control the world (it usually doesn't comply anyway). Stop trying to be perfect (it's a no-win deal no matter which way you look at it). Stop indulging in the terror you are alone (you're not; that's probably a carry-over from childhood).  Buying into that you are alone in the circumstance isolates you, puts you squarely on the no-where-to-go pity pot and prevents you from receiving what is available.  Stop ruminating, constantly thinking and strategizing; let it go. Stop this compounded, vicious cycle making it possible to finally get off that misery merry-go-round. This is a lot to give up, and not in most caretaker's comfort zone.

Most of us become caregivers because the approval rating is so high (disappointment factor low). It's a reliable "feel good" fix. And we get kudos a lot easier taking care of others than taking care of ourselves. 90% of the population is not up for an intensive care taking of others (all those body fluids! yuck).  We've decided (way back when probably) to be "special" and become one of the 10%.  Those deep needs mentioned before are masked by our constant doing (showing off that spectacular energy resource we have been generously blessed with).  We don't stop. Even when we stop doing, or are layed low, we don't stop.  The inner machinations continue, often dreaming up yet other ambitious projects to undertake (usually involving "helping"). It is common to dismiss or minimize others attempts to assist.  Our non-stop doing pushes people away, leaves no room to accept and acknowledge others, exaggerates our capacity and other's lack of capacity.  Enough is never enough.  We have to stop.

Stopping means just that. It means taking a lot of deep cleansing breaths and readjusting our life's approach. Stopping is to mourn the sorrow of the chronic pain you are in and your abject neglect of yourself, your well being and feeling the poverty of that.  Stopping is to excruciatingly admit one's sense of being less worthy than almost anyone or anything else.  And also admitting the untruth of that sense and that only you are responsible for that feeling.  The deep dark hole we feel cannot be filled up by others.

This is the daily, hidden stress in our lives. The caretaking of others.is absolutely difficult and can be supremely stressful.  But it is not the reason we are being brought to our knees. The constant turning away from who I am (or have become), the organism's distress at not being listened to, ignored and unrecognized (by myself, not others).  The daily forsaking in tiny little ways over and over compounded with reinforced certainty the buried deep secret that my worth is based on what I do, and usually what I do for others. These are lies that we (in most of ourselves) complicitly reinforce. And we suffer this. Somehow, one is not of value or worthy of just being.  And that is the stress that is a killer, not the taking care of others.


When we begin to start to listen, pay attention to the small voice(s) inside, to unplug from our internal manual over-drive circuit, we start to be less angry and overwhelmed. We start to begin to naturally do what all those previously irritating stress management precepts have layed out so succinctly. Previous emotional addictions (the mother of most other addictions) begin to fall away. Gratitude becomes a normal daily occurrence. Joy becomes familiar.  A deeper, grounded sense of self responsibility becomes the norm and is effortless. And surprisingly, external circumstances probably haven't changed, one is still the caretaker extraordinaire most likely. One still has that supreme knack for compassion and deep empathy. Only now, one is aligned from within. One has practiced those possessed gifts and healing talents of kindness and mercy on oneself.