Raising Up: Children and Parenting

I've had a few requests in the last  month to write a post on children, the act of "raising" them, what "method" is reliable, what books to read, what tact to take.  In no way do I assume a child expert role in this endeavor.  But I have a huge affinity for the young person through their amazing and varied continuums and I have considered them in many respects, my most important teachers.  So, here goes.

Children are an important influence because they are unrelenting models of the truth that everything changes all the time.  As a new parent, you think you've got it down (ie: an eating or sleeping schedule), and right when you start to feel like you have your bearings in relation to them, it changes.  Life as far as children go, is pretty much complete chaos (even if you are the organized type).  Once this has found an acceptance in your solar plexus, you might as well relax and find your sense of humor (kids are excellent mentors in this area).  Children help us to see we rarely know what we are doing, and that is as it should be. How could it be otherwise?  You never parented an infant, three year old, pre-teen, teenager or young adult before. And if you did, all others following the first are incredibly different and require different responses to similar situations.  It's always new.  Because of this, we are given the gift of humility.  The young challenge us in all ways to move/act/think/feel quicker than we ordinarily would like and give us an opportunity to get a view from another's almost continually open perspective.  In a conscientious adult, children inspire us to wake up, grow up and be better human beings.  Because of this, the act of  parenting/mentoring others, becomes the act of parenting oneself.


Children naturally seek relationship.  Their curiosity with the inside and outside world and the beings that surround them is unquenchable.  They deeply observe, listen, imitate everything.  They put things in their mouths to discover more about the object. (an incredibly interesting approach!).  As I have seen it, it is the adult's job to keep them safe (without being overprotective) and to respect them, their current development arc (again, constantly changing) and who they are evolving to be.  The bond we naturally have with them as a parent, complicates this basic approach and sometimes mires the process of their (and our own) evolution.  Hence, the imperative need for other adults and models to be major influences in their life (and in our process).  It does indeed, take a village to raise a child.

In children, we are reminded of our own possible resiliency and a life force that is insistent, hopeful and frequently present in Joy. In this awakening, the notion that we are supposed to be their life-model is turned on its head and it becomes apparent, it is the other way around.

In all this topsy-turvy unknown that goes hand in hand with being in the sphere of a child, how is a practically-fixed adult supposed to survive?  Many of us take the dictatorial approach, attempting to control the chaos, becoming master-director, feigning a knowing to manage the raw energy ever present in the young.  This approach secures our "adult" role and our ego's sense of omnipotence. It also occasionally is useful in a crisis. As a general modus operandi, it can be suffocating and repressive to the young who are naturally seeking autonomy, self reliance and self governance.  Another common parenting approach is to ignore or deny manifestation, letting children raise themselves (emotionally) while abdicating this responsibility to them.  Children demand (and deserve) attention; how one gives it determines the lesson learned, determines the relationship made between you.

As adults in the role of mentoring the young, we sometimes become fixed in the habit of directing and are swallowed by the conditions of too little patience (or being), too little time to support their self-discovery.  We become almost completely reliant on structure and schedules to maintain some semblance of equanimity. Structure and direction are both ways that teach self-discipline, accountability and consequences of actions taken.  Or they could be.  For consequences to be a rich experience, there has to be an empathic feeling present in the adult; a knowing intelligence in this realm which proliferates despite the outcome of the consequence (that doesn't turn into sentimentality or variations of rescuing).  Many times the structures and direction are put into place for the adult's benefit and comfort, but when the consequence reveals itself, the empathic feeling isn't present because the young person's well being or arising wasn't considered primary. Hence, the consequence falters, slides and becomes fodder for something else other than accountability.  As was said previously, the presence of children urges us adults at all times to grow up and be better human beings.

In my post Violence: a Cautionary Truth, discipline is mentioned:  How do we differentiate violence from say, discipline?  Respect of other is always at the base of discipline and fully absent in violence.  Also, there is an integrated intelligence which is responsive and not reactive in discipline.  Energetically, violence is raw and ungrounded, usually unpredictable and ego driven.   Whereas, discipline is a focused and aligned energy that serves as a guide without an agenda.  Domination is an impulse born of fear; it is a basic animal instinct present in one degree or another, always.  The more we bring a larger attention and awareness to our daily actions, the more we will  know ourselves, become more available to our fuller humanity, the less this impulse will be tolerated in oneself, the less weight of myself violence will usurp.   It would be noteworthy here to include violence as being sharp tones and language, withering looks as well as physical strong arming.

So, it may seem respect (without fear) is the cornerstone of relationship with children.  Respect can exist only in the void of the perception of "otherness", that children are somehow less than us, we being their older (not necessarily wiser) counterparts.  This sameness perception can be difficult to sustain in light of their diminutive size, dearth of experience, minimal maturity, limited vocabulary, lack of financial viability and cognitive weakness (frontal cortex of brain is not fully mature until age 26) which is the child's (partial) reality.  An appreciation and value for humanity in all its guises is the root of respect we have for children (and all people).

Despite all the child-rearing expert literature (which changes regularly), we generally don't know what we are doing as parents/mentors.  And we are in good company, because children don't know what they are doing either (they are visceral responders).  This relationship is an exercise in exciting exploration.  The great thing about kids is their forgiveness factor; it's easy for them.  They thrive in making mistakes (until they learn otherwise), falling down and getting up again is an impulse for another adventure.  They are completely cognizant of our weaknesses, frailties and shortcomings.  And they forgive and even love us anyway, (even when they are testing us).  They are fully aware of our adult sufferings, our struggles, our not knowing (even when we pretend otherwise).  And they are unfailing in their compassion for this, and are appreciative when borne for their sake. They learn respect not from being fearful but seeing respect modeled. There is no hiding from children.  You might minimize arguments and hostilities in a household, but they are extremely sensitized to the tensions that exist. Modeling non-violent communication for them (and yourself) would be a gift.

So, how do we navigate this impossible physical, emotional, mental task of a layered support for another being to adulthood? Understanding the objective developmental curve of the different phases or challenges in human growth would be good.  Having this knowledge under your belt would help you recognize the phase when it is exhibited and give you a heads up in preparing how you want to deal with it when it happens.  If I had known at the time, that part of an eight year old's development is about fitting in, mutual identification, not being wildly different from their social peers, I would have never put two different colored yellow socks on my son on a bleary, late-for-school morning.  (Now 28, forever mischievous, he still occasionally reminds me of the peer harassment he received.)  At 4 years old, this fitting in identity issue was not problematic (not part of that age development); when his shoes had been left home 200 miles away, we tied on to his feet bright yellow "grippy" rubber gloves and brought his antsy self to a playground full of kids to swing on the swings.  I'm pretty sure the other parents were mortified at this half boy, half Daffy Duck, but I had gotten past that parent developmental hurdle by that time. (Fingers crossed, yellow is not a PTSD-inducing color for him today.)  Knowledge about child (and parent!) development is helpful.

The "time out" concept was particularly helpful to me as a parent of young children; not only to allow a break in a mini-crisis for them, but a breathing space for myself to regroup my own energies and wits.   Directives, negotiations, strategies, reasoning.... they all fail at one time or another.  The only constant is relationship and the mutual respect that has been built; it is the foundation of who you are together.

FAT FACTS

Trends and fads tend to dictate dietary decisions in this country.  Popular diets and supplements become a media-ized trend, the communication tipping point is reached and whalaa, everybody is doing it.  One year, chocolate is healthy to eat, the next it is not; and so it goes. Efforts at reducing fat in diets, especially saturated fats (animal based and some vegetable based like avocado) has been pretty much mandated in the medical community for almost 50 years.  The tides have shifted and healthy fats and oils are now enjoying a come back.  Without too much medical-ese, I hope to clarify fat facts information in this post.

Little did we know back in the 70’s when the belligerent TV character Archie Bunker proclaimed people as “fat heads”, he wasn’t off the mark.  Our brain is made up mostly of fats; fats including saturated fat make up the cell membranes that protect the integrity of our cells and their structure. Fats and oils also play crucial roles in stabilizing blood sugar levels, providing raw materials for making hormones, boost thyroid function, increase metabolism, improving heart health, and support the immune system.. The right kind of oils used properly are essential in our diets for optimal brain and body function. Fats are one of the three major nutrients of the human diet, the other two being carbohydrates and proteins.

Simply stated, triglycerides are the chemical form of fats in food and in the body. Think of fats as a building and triglycerides as the bricks that give it form. Every triglyceride "brick" consists of a mixture of three fatty acids — saturated, monounsaturated and polyunsaturated (the "tri"), and one glycerol molecule (thus, the name "tri"-"glyceride".) A particular fat is defined by the combination of fatty acids that make up its "bricks." The triglyceride bricks in olive oil, for example, have many more monounsaturated fatty acids than it does saturated or polyunsaturated fatty acids, making olive oil a monounsaturated fat.

Monounsaturated fats are heart-healthy because they maintain good HDL cholesterol levels while lowering bad LDL cholesterol levels. They are most appropriate for light cooking or used raw in salad dressings and the like. Oils that are predominantly monounsaturated include olive, avocado, peanut, sesame, lard and duck fat.

Monounsaturated oils are generally considered to be the healthiest overall oils but it's important to note  that all three types have distinct advantages and disadvantages — not just for health but for flavor and culinary characteristics as well. Olive oil seems to have been anointed the "perfect oil" by some in the media, but should be avoided when cooking at high temperatures.

Polyunsaturated fats due to their unstable chemical structure, are more susceptible to rancidity than saturated and monounsaturated fatty acids, especially after prolonged contact with oxygen, light or heat. Oils that are predominately polyunsaturated include walnut, grapeseed, soy, corn, safflower, sunflower, canola and fish oils. Experts claim polyunsaturated fats are the worst oils to cook with.  Cooking your food in these omega-6 vegetable oils produces a variety of very toxic chemicals, as well as forming trans-fats. Frying destroys the antioxidants in oil, actually oxidizing the oil, which causes even worse problems for your body than trans-fats.  In addition, most vegetable oils are GM (genetically modified), including more than 90 percent of soy, corn and canola oils.  Also, vegetable oils contribute to the overabundance of damaged omega-6 fats in your diet, throwing off your omega-6 to omega-3 ratio. Nearly everyone in western culture consumes far too many omega-6 fats -- about 100 times more than a century ago -- and insufficient omega 3 fats; this contributes to numerous chronic degenerative diseases.  Heat and light can damage oils, particularly polyunsaturated ones, so keep them in the refrigerator to avoid rancidity. you'll know your oil is rancid if it takes on a characteristic bad taste and smell.  Heating oils to a temperature at which the oil begins to smoke, generate toxic fumes and harmful free radicals, which are carcinogenic.

Saturated fats are the most chemically stable, giving them a long shelf life and the ability to withstand high cooking temperatures. Typically solid at room temperature, saturated fats are found primarily in animal fats and tropical oils. In general, animal fats such as butter and cream are predominantly saturated, however, two of the most highly saturated fats — coconut oil and palm kernel oil — come from vegetable sources. Furthermore, animal fats are predominantly monosaturated, while fish oils are predominantly polyunsaturated. It is interesting to note that the fatty acid composition of animal fat can vary depending on the diet of the animal. (use products from organic fed animals)

The fact is all saturated fats are not created equal. The operative word here is "created," because some saturated fats occur naturally, while other fats are artificially manipulated into a saturated state through the man-made process called hydrogenation.  Trans fat acids are chemically altered, man-made fats found in partially hydrogenated oils. The hydrogenation process, in common use since the early 20th century, injects hydrogen into vegetable fats under high heat and pressure. This saturates what was previously an unsaturated fat and results in a chemical configuration that is not found in nature and is very rich in trans fatty acids. This is done to make vegetable oils, which are normally liquid at room temperature, solid and more chemically stable, thereby extending the shelf life of products in which they are used. Very small amounts of trans fats do occur naturally in some products such as milk, cheese, beef or lamb.

Manipulated saturated fats, also known as Trans fats (aka hydrogenated oils) which are doubly harmful because they lower HDL (good) cholesterol and raise LDL (bad) cholesterol levels, increasing the risk of coronary heart disease. In fact, trans fatty acids have an even worse impact on cholesterol levels than diets high in butter, which contain saturated fat. A 2002 report by the Institute of Medicine (a branch of the National Academy of Sciences) concluded that trans fats are not safe to consume in any amount.

Hydrogenation manipulates vegetable and seed oils by adding hydrogen atoms while heating the oil, producing a rancid, thickened substance that really only benefits processed food shelf life.  Experts now agree, hydrogenation does nothing good for your health.  The truth is this: it is unsaturated fats that are primarily involved in heart disease and too much sugar and processed foods, not the naturally occurring saturated fats, as we've have been led to believe since the 1960s.

LCTs are large molecules, so they are difficult for your body to break down and are predominantly stored as fat. But MCTs, being smaller, are easily digested and immediately burned by your liver for energy -- like carbohydrates, but without the insulin spike. MCTs actually boost your metabolism and help your body use fat for energy, as opposed to storing it, so it can actually help you become leaner.

Coconut oil is also nature's richest source of medium-chain fatty acids (MCFAs), also called medium-chain triglycerides or MCTs. By contrast, most common vegetable or seed oils are comprised of long chain fatty acids (LCFAs), also known as long-chain triglycerides or LCTs.
Coconut oil has actually been shown to help optimize body weight, which can dramatically reduce your risk of developing Type II diabetes . Besides weight loss, boosting your metabolic rate will improve your energy, accelerate healing and improve your overall immune function. As we have already discussed, coconut oil is incredibly good for your heart. Nearly 50 percent of the fat in coconut oil is of a type rarely found in nature called lauric acid, a "miracle" compound because of its unique health promoting properties. Your body converts lauric acid into monolaurin, which has anti-viral, anti-bacterial and anti-protozoa properties.

All oils (except coconut) should be refrigerated to avoid rancidity.  And two in particular should be your “go to” oils in food prep. Extra-virgin olive oil (salad dressings, low heat cooking) and coconut oil, the only oil that is stable enough to withstand high heats in cooking.  Coconut oil is thought to possess healing properties above and beyond that of any other dietary oils.  When coconut oil was first brought to the U.S., there was a lot of negative hype about it because it contains high levels of saturated fat. People were concerned that it increased cholesterol and contributed to heart disease—but this is a myth. It actually lowers cholesterol and reduces the chances of heart disease. This is because its fat content is simply changed into energy, lessening the likelihood of fat buildup in the arteries and heart.

Eating coconuts are excellent for one’s immunity. It kills harmful bacteria, viruses, fungi, and parasites. Because of that, if you consume coconut in any of its various forms (whether it be raw coconut, coconut oil, coconut milk, coconut butter, etc.), it can help treat some of the worst and most resilient of illnesses such as influenza, throat infections, urinary tract infections, tapeworms, herpes, bronchitis, and numerous other ailments caused by microbials.

Eating coconuts also supports the development of strong, healthy bones and teeth. It does this by improving the body’s ability to absorb calcium and magnesium. It also prevents osteoporosis. This makes coconuts a good, healthy alternative for those who are lactose intolerant. Those who prefer a vegan diet can benefit from it as a good source of protein and fatty acids. Research results demonstrated the potential beneficiary effect of virgin coconut oil in lowering lipid levels in serum and tissues and LDL oxidation by physiological oxidants. .

Take away:  Cook with coconut oil (almost exclusively), extra virgin olive oil for non-cooking fat needs and all other oils used sparingly.  Do not cook with polyunsaturated oils (see list above). Eliminate transfats (margarine, hydrogenated oil products). Refrigerate your oils! Moderation.  A little coconut oil goes a long way. Check prepackaged and processed foods for the type of fat used (it will probably be a transfat or hydrogenated).

Passages of this post were gleaned from the following resources:
Beneficial effects of virgin coconut oil on lipid parameters and in vitro
Mayo Clinic: Coconut and Weight Loss
PubMed.gov: Effect of mineral oil, sunflower oil, and coconut oil on prevention of hair damage
PubMed.gov: A randomized double-blind controlled trial comparing extra virgin coconut oil with mineral oil as a moisturizer for mild to moderate xerosis
The Numerous Health Benefits of Coconuts | Care2 Healthy Living
Dr. Joseph Mercola: Coconut Oil Benefits: When Fat Is Good For You

Resiliency

Etching by CJ McGannon

Our beings, on the long life trek we make in this existence, are models of a tremendous resiliency.  The ability to sustain and survive the small and large nicks and breaks to our hearts, bodies, psychs, souls and minds endured over a lifetime is just short of miraculous.  A broken heart, a catastrophic accident, traumatic events, repeated loss, soul numbing extended misery circumstances-- how is it we don't die a million times over with the suffering and pain this life provides us on almost a continual basis?

Resiliency.  The body alone is a wonderful example of responsive rebound.  The body's design, from its replicating cells to its innate protection properties irrepressibly urges:  "Live!"  Vital organs are protected by bony prominences.  The ever mobile joints are useful and guarded by their artistically layered ligaments, tendons and fascia and well oiled by the buoyant, slippery synovial fluid.  Who could imagine twenty eight feet of intestine would be useful crammed into half of the torso's relatively small cavity?  And yet it is useful; brilliantly.  Incredible. And the tremendous cooperative symphony this complex organism creates between the parts, harmonizing the whole, whether it be useful bacteria in the mouth/saliva jump-starting the digestion process (actually initiated in the use of the eyes, nose and brain) or the pumping action of the heart in concert with respiration.  When something goes awry in one aspect of the body's function, there is a usually graceful accepting of the workload by another aspect. The spleen, liver, pancreas and kidneys all function in some capacity to filter toxins from the blood.  If the spleen is removed the pancreas and liver pick up on the function of the missing spleen's work.  Sometimes it is seamless, sometimes it is a dysfunctional undertaking.  But the body is a community and in relationship to its parts.  And most of all, because of this relationship, it is tremendously resilient.

The Three Shades, Rodin*

Similarly, the psych has a host of coping mechanisms to buffer the suffering experienced through our timeline.  It's actually quite remarkable, even elegant.  The strain of the brain and ego to return to a semblance of  "normalcy" in a crisis, has useful initial functions like denial, projection, isolation or rebound reactions to put into play when necessary, when the pain is too great, in order to survive.  This is how we carry on.  This is irrepressible life force trying to find a way to survive.

Even though we are programmed from the get go to move toward death, dying can be a difficult business; the collective body doesn't want to do it, even when it is unbearably tired of the struggle.  We have this incredible resiliency, life force that streams through us resisting capitulation with a universal energy. Our being is made to struggle, overcome, or at least to die trying.  And even in the process of the inevitable surrender of the body to the dying process, quite often resiliency is seen as the Spirit takes over this urge to live and adapts.  Again, one area in the community of the self fails, lets go; another part picks up the "life" action and becomes resilient, and rebounds.  Amazing.  This sophisticated organism we inhabit is a finely tuned orchestra; layered, complex and multifaceted, even when it is at its most dilapidated. From this point of view, it's hard to imagine that the spirit doesn't transcend the body post mortem.

Honoring this meta collective aspect of the divine in us seems mandatory. 

* " These identical male figures--known as shades, or ghosts from the underworld--are closely related to Rodin's figure of Adam.  However, rather than awakening to life as Adam does, the Shades embody death, sleep, and a loss of consciousness."  (description of statuary at Rodin Museum, Philadelphia)