We are all born. We all die. And almost all of us have elders to consider as we ourselves age. Without exception, that complex relationship, has its ups and downs (as well as karmic complications) through the relationship's continuum, and inevitably impacts our intentions to our aging loved ones.
At a certain point in a person's life, decision-making is necessarily abdicated due to advanced age or infirmity. The decisions regarding the circumstances as to how their life will run its course is left to others: adult children/family or institutions. As adult children of aging parents, how do we consider what our relationship will be to our loved one's last laps?
For some, its a "no-brainer"; their parents have put into motion through long care term insurance purchase, or moving into an elder community that sees to the layered needs of the aging, or specifically voiced to their family how they would like to live the last years or decades of their life. For these adult children, it's about follow through, respectfully adhering to their parent's wishes. Even this ideal scenario is complex. Possibly the adult children are not in a position physically, geographically or financially to honor these wishes. Perhaps the aging community chosen is not so ideal, needs to be monitored on a regular basis. Whatever the arrangement planned, the adult child's committed engagement is required, therefore, altering many aspects of their own independence. Becoming clear to one's boundaries, capacity and level of commitment is essential. Setting an intention that corresponds to the relationship you seek to create or maintain with the elder in your life is also required.
Making an intention opens the field. The field being one's perception, one's sixth sense. It's possibly a growing up of the soul, an internal awareness of oneself and other. It's a path of deepening oneself and one's possibility. All the facts of the circumstance take a minor role and the relationship rises to the surface of prominent importance. This is healing. A possible healing of karma for those engaged and definitely a healing of what has been hard in the relationship.
With an intention, this is practically guaranteed. How can I say this? Because with an intention and a commitment to this journey comes a letting go of all that ultimately does not matter. Whereas the details and circumstances are important, they are very secondary to what is shared. The cream rises to the top, a softening of oneself allows for perception to descend into parts of our self we didn't know we had. This changes everything. It also allows there to be this type of change in another. If we only hold on to the details, the specifics, schedules and external needs-- and only allow that to run this lap, we miss the opportunity the initial vow or intention created for us.
An intention might start with questions: What percentage of my time do I want (not necessarily can) to spend with my parent? With my parent's life affairs? What are aspects of our relationship that are asking to be healed, would I like transformed? What are the grudges, resentments and hard parts we share? How can I forgive? How can I ask for forgiveness? How much hands-on caretaking do I want to do (again, not necessarily can do)? What is the necessary sacrifice on my part to do what I think I want to do? Can I do this? Can I get help with it? All these questions are treated as an open inquiry. Nothing is answered in a hard/fast, black/white way (at this point). It's a beginning in fleshing out the feeling aspect of the proposed journey. The decision-problem solving aspect of myself shouldn't jump in at this point, there will be plenty of time for that part to act. In intention setting, its about allowing breath to enter the feeling center to create some room.
In this place of relationship a trust in something else besides the external occurs. An adult child's anxiety and worry over the external details, the finances, the medical complications is background material. It is almost always there, but for the most part doesn't take over our lives because the relationship's intention has helped us make it primary. The connection, the vibration shared, the meeting and the healing is at the center.
Making the last laps rich, even under challenging and difficult circumstances is possible when this intention is in place. Intention runs my actions. I lose it, I return to it, I lose it again, but it is at the heart of what I want for my loved one and myself and steers me in the critical moments. Our time, our financial resources, our individual direction; taking this on complicates our lives a little (or a lot) more. Much like people making the lifelong decision to raise children.
In this journey we make, while there are hurdles, there is also a satisfying ride, a relaxing into the sublime elements of being connected to oneself and another more fully, an allowance of a natural unfolding. Witnessing the external decline of another, whether mental or physical, isn't what you were afraid it would be. The other's hallucinations, disorientation, good/bad pain days are experienced in a different way as this more subtle relationship is taken on. The distinct impression of seeing our loved one with one foot in one world and the other foot in another more opaque world is touching and awe-inspiring. We see more of each other, a broader spectrum beyond personality and that is gratitude personified. It is in this healing relationship one feels one's fortune; and it is reflected back from our loved one, having been shared.
I bring up intention in this first part, because it must precede the nuts/bolts and problem solving of the circumstantial details. Otherwise, the external drives our actions, not the intention.
